Stop hiding your tears: it does not make you a loser

We need never be ashamed of our tears. — Charles Dickens

When was the last time you cried, is the most generic question in every you’re-not-weak-despite-being-a-loser-you-think-you-are, make-believe article and at the end of the 5 minute long read, you end up with lesser self-esteem than the circus “freaks” in the crowd-pleasing, disjoint plotted movie, “The Greatest showman”.

But when did crying become a sign of crippling weakness? Turns out, it is not a historical/patriarchal thing, rather a more recent development. In the famous poem by Homer, Iliad, the entire Greek army, that consisted of burly, testosterone-driven, at-the-pinnacle-of-masculinity men with arms strong enough to crush skulls and brass breastplates, bursts into howling tears, not once but thrice. King Priam even goes as far as ripping out his hair and grovelling in the soil to show his dismay. Not that this epic poem can be held accountable for being factually accurate, with its “subtle” exaggerations and superhuman tendencies, what we can take away from the breathlessly long composition is that even though warriors sat undefended at the epitome of strength and fascination, they did not shy away from shedding a river, every now and then. This public display of harrowing sorrow was not limited to lost battles and funeral and other ceremonies that allow grief to be expressed. In Medieval prose sung by knights and sheepherders, there are numerous instances of men crying purely because they miss their girlfriends or pregnant mistresses who were murdered by their wives. What is also remarkable is that there is no mention of these men trying to restrain or hide their blotched, wet faces.

The heroes of the Iliad, in particular, are very often presented in tears, suffering grief and pain. The tears of Achilles, just as his military exploits, are present throughout the poem, from his first appearance to his last. When he is not fighting, he is crying.

These poems suggest that shedding tears by great warriors and immortal demigods is neither a sign of weakness nor strength, just human nature.

So when did the anti-tear movement begin? Maybe, it began with the altering period of Renaissance, when Stoic and classic authors became more influential, it was essential for elite men to be in control of their emotions, especially in public, for if a man could not govern his own reactions, how could he be expected to govern others. Civil and decorum were established firmly and any departure from prim behavior was deemed uneducated and uncivilized. In the industrial period, when time was of the essence, long period of grief could mean unproductive workers and hence, fewer shillings in rich men’s pockets.

Why did it affect men more, the crying shame? Because these were the people who spent most of their time in the public eye, under the scrutiny of their employers and benefactors.

Now that the history class has been dismissed, let me ask you again, when was the last time you cried your heart out, until your face had turned red and breathless as a man hanging from a cliff, until you slept from the exhaustion. A mild, lone-tear moment will also do. The reason behind the wetness on your lids could be multiple, from being cheated on by your fiance, to being caught red-handed with his best friend, to just the frustration of the high paced, barely paying, shitty 9–5 job that’s stifling the living light out of you. How many people were around you when you did? One, none? Was it your mother, your high school best friend or your couldn’t-care-less cat who held your hand, knowing not what to say? Did you constantly apologize for ruining their mood, hoping they would stay anyway? The cat never stayed, did she? Chances are you nodded to most of them. Those of you who didn’t, it could be a serious problem, or you’re just lying.

The question is whether suppressing one’s emotions benefits anyone. On the bright side, you don’t have to deal with weeping workers or manipulative girlfriends/boyfriends who turn on the waterworks every time you try to breakup with them. Manipulative tears are very real, ask any infant. But on the not so bright side lies a dirty, dark secret no one tells you about. In a research in 1980s, Margaret Crepeau, then Professor of Nursing at Marquette University in Milwaukee, found a relationship between a stress-related illness and lack of tear-drenched eyes. Vingerhoets, a professor of psychology at Tilburg University in the Netherlands, also correlated level of satisfaction with number of rivers unleashed. Finally, in 2012, patients with Sjögren’s syndrome — whose sufferers are incapable of producing tears- where found to be lacking emotional intelligence than their healthy counterparts. Supportiveness also seems to play a giant role in how good and quickly the climax is reached. Loneliness breeds more diseases than smoking a pack of cigarettes daily, as does not expressing one’s self. Suicide and alcoholism is highest in Scandinavian countries that have romanticized stone-faced/heart heroes and dissolution of awkward emotions. Misery does need company, supportive, patient, even awkwardly clueless company.

You don’t need science to tell you the easy-breezy, relaxed state of mind you attain after a heavy shower like the clouds after heavy rain. But facts are lent more meaning when bedazzled with unpronounceable, sciency words. So here is goes. Turns out, the bright side is brighter than California in summer. Not only does crying dull pain, thanks to our beloved oxytocin and endorphins, but it also cools the brain, quite literally. The quick intakes of cool air can lower temperature of the brain, which is better than a warm brain, hence the better mood and more productivity. It is also spring break for the eyes, washing away the debris and bad memories left by a terrible breakup.

So, open the floodgates, men and women. Feel no shame. Cry me a river, not to the point you are dehydrated and barely alive, but in a healthy way. Stop apologizing for your ugly-crying face and drench their shoulders without any hesitation. Feel no need to defend your masculinity. Because it is better to release these harmful, toxic feeling than to cage inside your heart, to rot for ages.